I hate small talk. In fact, I'm BIG on connecting with people on a very intimate level. I like having premium access to the heart and mind of a person and in exchange, I peel back my own façade to call it even. Nonetheless, I am no open book. If I've portrayed myself otherwise, then please forgive me. The truth is, if I've ever shared any detail without an even trade, it was most certainly the doing of the Holy Spirit. Today I'm going to be vulnerable against my will. But I have one request of you; hear the words on this page as if they were lifting off my lips directly into your ears and your ears only. Once you're through listening to me speak, I ask that you respond through reflection and even prayer. I challenge you to identify one thorn that might exist to humble you and how God's grace has indeed been sufficient.
The Burden of Beauty
Every woman wants to feel and be seen as beautiful—feminists, please allow me to draw on this stereotype just this once!😏 Irrespective of the impact of socialization, I want to be beautiful to myself and to others no matter what that might truly mean. Growing up as a Black, but also Ghanaian woman in America, beauty was often difficult to understand. From a young age, I knew that a closer proximity to whiteness equated with being perceived as more desirable, and attractive—and that's skin, eyes, nose, lips, hair, body shape, speech, etc. The music, the commercials, the lead Black roles, the billboards in America taught me this. And in Ghana, the bleaching creams and wigs had a similar impact. Yet somehow the prevalence of Black love, specifically African love, made me believe that maybe I was a beautiful Ghanaian woman, just not a beautiful Black American woman. To exist in a world where I could only be beautiful in my tiny African community—mainly because of Ghanaian men's approval of my beauty—is utterly twisted. But this was true for me until I gave my life to Christ sophomore year of college. What does that have to do with beauty??—EVERYTHING!
When I gave my life over to Jesus, I was given a new one. I was literally a baby all over again. God breathed affirmations into me regularly through His Word. Soon, I formed a fortified identity in Christ. Every now and then the ghost of my old self would haunt me with the lies about my "cursed" Blackness, but the Holy Spirit triumphs every time. And just when I thought my major insecurities were finally shriveling, God delivered a new one on a silver platter in 2016. Yea, you heard right, God himself, gave me something to cry about.
If you scroll up to my picture and zoom in slightly, you'll notice that my neck is thicker than average. Perhaps you attributed it to weight, for which I am glad haha! But no, it's a benign tumor. I was happy it wasn't cancerous, but it eroded my self-esteem. I needed to feel and be beautiful, and now the tumor had made that simply impossible.
A Genie God
After fighting with God about it, I finally decided to turn my whining into crazy faith. I prayed and commissioned close friends to pray with me to save my beauty. I drew on the faith of biblical characters and evoked the power in the many verses where God clearly promises to do whatever we ask of Him.
Matthew 7:7
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
John 16:24
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
John 14:14
If you ask Me for anything in My name, I will do it.
Mark 5:34
He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."
Luke 17:19
Then he said to him, "Rise and go; your faith has made you well."
I remember waking up one day and noticing that my neck felt smaller. I told God it wasn't enough, for I still couldn't wear flattering clothes with this hideousness bulging from my neck. It was in the middle of that prayer when I finally realized how far I had gone to restore my beauty. Don't get me wrong, tumors don't belong in necks, or any part of our bodies for that matter. But I had turned God into this genie who needed to appease my desires. I never for a second thought about the purpose the tumor was meant to serve in the first place. If God didn't have a miracle in mind, what did He want to teach me? How did He want to grow me? How was He planning on getting His glory?
Most of us Christians—yes Christians—are incredibly wrong about God. He is not in service to us rather, we are in service to Him. He doesn't exist for our pleasure, we exist for His. And lucky for us, He isn't cruel, wicked, or evil, but good through and through. Christ's immeasurable love drove Him to the cross where God the Father poured out his justified wrath on Him instead of me. And now I've been reconciled back to God as His beloved adopted daughter through the Holy Spirit. So when I come boldly to the throne for mercy or a miracle, my boldness lies within my new standing with God, not in my posturing. God is father and King. I come to Him as both daughter and servant, understanding both my privilege and my place. Can we pray big prayers of faith? Certainly. But know that even if He doesn't come through as we hoped, He might have entirely different plans that no amount of prayer can derail. God wasn't lying about granting our requests, we just overlook the stipulations.
John 15:7
"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you".
The conditions here matter big time! When you abide by the Word of God, you're likely in the will of God and therefore your prayers align with what He already intends on doing! Will what you're asking for be for your spiritual good and for God's ultimate glory? Maybe so, but maybe not.
Y'all, I was incredibly wrong about God. Like Job, I too clasped my hand over my mouth baffled by the convicting voice of God.
Sufficient Grace
I wasn't interested in my spiritual growth, in God's glory, or sufficient grace; I wanted the tumor to miraculously disappear. No surgery. No complications. No medication. Just a miracle. I've witnessed God heal people all around me, from the most fatal of diseases, yet it seemed God had no plan of miraculously healing me.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10
7 But to keep me from being puffed up with pride because of the many wonderful things I saw, I was given a painful physical ailment, which acts as Satan's messenger to beat me and keep me from being proud. 8 Three times I prayed to the Lord about this and asked him to take it away. 9 But his answer was: “My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.” I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ's power over me. 10 I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Imagine being Paul: God can use you to literally raise folk from the DEAD, but He refuses to heal you of your ailment? In our flesh, we will never understand, but Paul had matured to a place where he sought to honor God with even his weakness. He was willing to sacrifice his physical health for his spiritual health. WHEW! How many of us would rejoice in such a trade?
Ultimately, God is teaching me to place my confidence in Christ alone—not in that which is fleeting. I'm not sure what your thorn is, but this tumor is one of few thorns God has kept at my side. And believe it or not, it still takes crazy faith to believe God is good and His way is better than my own. It still takes crazy faith to cling to His strength and even boast in my weakness when I would rather boast in my puny strength. Every Believer has been given a dose of grace to survive what God himself is putting you through. Not the devil, but God. We all admire the faith that moves mountains, but I've come to marvel at the faith that stresses that His grace is sufficient—come what may.
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done. An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him."
Luke 22:42-43
Thanks for leaning in and connecting with me on a personal level, Bingers!! The next post will be more Bible heavy, I promise. Let's binge again soon!